“I want to say somewhere: I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet, there were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.”

there are things that i’ve kept inside my heart for so long, trying to forgive. and i think my last, and final step will be telling this deep, dark secret of mine. I just never trusted anyone enough to have that part of me. that part of me that was broken and bruised, and maybe finally speaking it aloud will allow me to heal.

     I absolutely adore staying up late nights with cody, talking about religion, faith, love, hope, the past and present; especially since lately, i’ve felt a little lost. I try to redeem myself by volunteering as many hours as possible, and working harder, and cleaning more, and loving more, and trying to help out in every way that I can, but I am still missing something, some lingering emptiness that I cannot shake, and I think I know now. I need to find a church I love, a church that makes me feel at home, a church that gives me hope. I have always been a silent believer, keeping my prayers and faith to myself. I’ve tried to find churches that have expressed the same feelings that I do, but so far, none make me feel at ease, so I now have a new goal for myself. Not that I believe, by any means, going to church will make me feel whole, infact, I believe the exact opposite, that hasn’t changed. But, it’s something I want, something I want to be a part of, some missing piece of me that has been wanting to come out. If nothing else, this will be an amazing journey of self discovery for me. Maybe this isn’t my missing piece, but if it is, then I need to find it.

I find myself watching the sky so intently sometimes. I look for airplanes and any form of movement. I search for shapes and constellations, watching for some sort of answer to any questions I might have. I wonder how many people are doing the exact same thing at that very moment, and what they’re thinking about. Every late night car ride on country roads or every warm summer night or cold winter night, my eyes are on the sky.

The thing is, I am more excited about the trip there than the final destination. I guess it doesn’t really matter to me where I end up, as long as you are by my side. I cannot wait for all of the adventures and sights to see. I am not even worried the tiniest bit, I know with you i’m safe; I know we can make it through.

I am so happy that in my classes I have had the pleasure of meeting people with the same passions as me. Last night, talking to Joseph and Ying and Julie, I felt at home. I felt honored to have the same concerns, aspirations, challenges that they have. It’s so refreshing, knowing there are so many kind, honest souls out there, knowing that you’re not in this alone. I’m not in this alone.

really, i’m just sad for you. you don’t realize that you’re to blame, and that this is the last straw. you won’t get another chance, and you are taking advantage of it. it’s really sad what you’ve become, and really sad that someday you are going to realize it, and realize all that you’ve lost.

this year i get to buy my first christmas tree, with the love of my life. and we get to decorate it with our very own ornaments. and we get to bake cookies and listen to christmas music. and i really think this is going to be the best christmas ever. :)